If you’re going bald, you should wear a bald wig over your toupee with another toupee on top of it. That way if someone accidentally knocks the toupee off, you can say “Oh, don’t worry. That baldness is fake too.” And then you can pull off the bald wig and everyone will be relieved to [...]
Categories: Daily Commentary
A good place to practice improvised jazz.
Not a good place to practice improvised jazz.
Categories: Daily Commentary
It is a distinctly human phenomenon that a member of the species will purposely go out of their way to make themselves easier to kill. Take, for instance, Himalayan mountain exploration.
“Here is a rock.”
“Indeed.”
“A rock in sub-zero climates such that even mountain goats avoid it.”
“Indeed.”
“We shall climb it until there is no air.”
Or, for instance, [...]
Categories: Daily Commentary
Tagged: mankind, survival, weight loss
<Josh Hepler > to billg@microsoft.com
Wed, May 13, 2009 at 10:20 AM
Dear Bill1 Gates,
I am writing you for the same reason I assume that most people write you, and that is that I would like a large amount of money. A vast amount of money, really.
The basic reason I want this money is that I do [...]
Categories: Daily Commentary
Tagged: Bill Gates, Microsoft, money
Something about being in Wal-Mart for any extended period of time makes me feel like my soul is slowly being sucked out of my body. I think this is because it tends to be a sanctuary for angry mothers and unhappy middle-aged couples. You can only watch two people fighting over the best brand of [...]
Categories: Daily Commentary
Tagged: materialism, shopping, Wal-Mart
Using debt to fix an economy is like ice fishing in July. It might work, but you’re still doing it wrong.
Categories: Daily Commentary
People are always complaining about how trashy television is, but nobody can come up with a good alternative. The last time someone tried to mix cultural, moral, and environmental awareness into a TV show, they came up with Captain Planet. For those not familiar with early 1990’s animated television, the appropriate Wikipedia link can be [...]
Categories: Daily Commentary
Tagged: Captain Planet, environment, Planeteer
Philosophers have argued for eons about the purpose of mankind. They argue because if they ever actually figure it out, they’ll be out of a job.
According to legend, Sir William Blake discovered the purpose of mankind in 1782, but then realized that a Jewish guy had come to basically the same conclusions roughly 1,782 [...]
Categories: Daily Commentary
Tagged: Philosophy, Religion, Revolution
I spend a large amount of time every day wishing for a zombie uprising.
I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that my job involves moving a lot random stuff from place to place in mostly empty buildings. While walking down hallways, I find myself holding chairs like baseball bats [...]
Categories: Daily Commentary
Tagged: boredom, superpowers, work, zombies
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Categories: Daily Commentary